Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.