Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
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[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]