Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
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My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Can’t, holding a grudge
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair