Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Breaking news:
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem