[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
Huge, if true.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?