[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
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DOOO EEEET
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water