@poutinesmoothie: *bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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@brennadine: [In line at Starbucks] [Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so- [Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
@simoncholland: [Mother's Day text to my wife] Don't let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
@BoogTweets: *Rap battle* Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
@Darlainky: Dear Santa, Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.