@poutinesmoothie: *bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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@dlockw21: Therapist: Talk about your friends. Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine... T: That's a Billy Joel song. Me: You're no fun.
@marcus_sullivan: Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
@GreenishDuck: Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell "WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?" until they got some answers.
@InternetHippo: BOSS: You ok? ME: Yeah, why? BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed” [maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]