The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
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[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
inside you are two wolves
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
True.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Coffee for people with no kids
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.