Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
That’s no pocket rocket.
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.