Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
the world’s most popular steaming services
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
went fishing caught a bass
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?