Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.