Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
Woke up with morning Yule Log
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.