Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
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*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory