my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
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This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing