[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
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He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Sing it!
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter