It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
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me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
New tinder profile pic
I am, perchance
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.