Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.