@ryaninco: I think I put the roofie in the wrong driiiiiiiiiiiiiii

@david8hughes: [bday party] Mum: happy birthday son Me: wow that's a huge cake! Mum: its full of bees Me: what Mum [backing away]: I said it's cream cheese

@XplodingUnicorn: Wife: I'm growing some vegetables. Me: What if the pig eats them? Wife: Then I'm growing porkchops.

@JasonLastname: The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

@aprilmaywilson: Apparently it's 'inappropriate' to show up at your therapist's home to swim in her new pool even though your 'boundary issues' paid for it.