@jferg1616: Best Buy: What's your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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@WonderMonkey78: I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I'm about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
@SamuelHLowe: - If you insinuate that I'm fat again, I'm leaving you! - Don't be selfish, think about the baby. - What baby? - Oh, so you're not pregnant?
@jake_likes_naps: [gets down on 1 knee] Babe will you-- "Yeah... Here it is" [she lends me her phone charger] Thanks
@MeetingBoy: "A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." I don't doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.