Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Alexa, make me look good naked.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.