Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
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*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
this is the best day of my life
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.