Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Am getting real tired of your crap…
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??