Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
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I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???