Best misinterpreted text ever!
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Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.