Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
You Might Also Like
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.