Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
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Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense