@patnspankme: Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you're getting fat & it doesn't fit anymore.
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@philco816: Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming . Wife: The radio isn't on. Those are two alley cats in heat. Me: I don't wanna know, know, know.
@birbigs: "You're joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?" -Jesus #GoodFriday
@moooooog35: The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.