Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.