@patnspankme: Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you're getting fat & it doesn't fit anymore.
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@justabloodygame: [throwing a party] I invited Judas. That okay? "Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-" *loud knock* "It's the Roman legion. Open up!"
@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "Can you explain this gap in your résumé?" Me: "I fell asleep on the space key."
@rockymomax: [dinner] DAD: let's roast this bird ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born DAD: haha nice
@ahoytheboat: my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.