Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
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“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said