*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
channeling her this year
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
adam and eve had first world problems
I love the National Park Service.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.