“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
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I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a