Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”