Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
Me too door. Me too.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
HOW DARE YOU
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.