I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
you gotta be faster
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!