Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.