Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
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[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRĂ–DINGER: Yes.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.