Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
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Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.