Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
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If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless