The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
You Might Also Like
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
He’s dead
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”