If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
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Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”