NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
こいつ天才
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
i- i did not expect this
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food