How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
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How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The Others (2001)
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.