Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Clients after you give them your rates
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.