[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
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Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?