Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
You Might Also Like
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.