Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
A dad and his duck
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
being a writer on Twitter:
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T