“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
#Caturday
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.