“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
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Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.