“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Fixed this for Shakespeare
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
drew a comic about my origin story
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.