“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
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Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.