“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
12. I think about this all the damn time
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.