Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.