“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Donating blood today to make room for more food
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone