Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
We all have our pet causes.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase